The Comment I Keep Seeing About Our Future Family
And a distinction I’ve been thinking about since sharing our fertility journey.
I’ve gotten a LOT of DMs the past few weeks. Since sharing about our journey to parenthood, the people have decided to weigh in. Most have been incredibly kind. People showing up, sharing their own journeys, rooting for us. That support has meant more than I know how to say.
But as you can probably imagine, others have been critical. I don’t want to focus on the negative, but I do want to address an interesting pattern I’ve noticed…
It’s definitely strange and uncomfortable to have strangers weighing in on something this personal. Still, there was something else about many of the comments that felt off to me, and it took me a while to put my finger on what it was.
Many of the objections being raised have been rooted in religious beliefs or personal moral convictions, but have been presented as ethical arguments.
I understand that questions about family, reproduction, faith, and parenthood touch on some of the deepest values we have. When something feels profoundly right or profoundly wrong to us, it’s natural to reach for the strongest language available to explain why.
But today I want to gently explore something I’ve been thinking about. Not the beliefs themselves—those are real, and they matter to the people who hold them. But the difference between religious beliefs, moral convictions, and ethical concerns, and why that distinction shapes the conversations I’m willing to engage with.
Similar, But Different
A religious belief is a conviction rooted in faith. It comes from things like scripture, spiritual experience, religious teachings, and prayer. It answers questions like What does God want for me?or What do the scriptures teach?
A moral conviction is a person’s sense of right and wrong. It can be shaped by faith, but also by culture, upbringing, life experience, conscience, and personal values. It answers questions like Is this right? Is this wrong? and Does this align with my values?
Ethics are a different category entirely. Ethics are concerned with how people are treated. They ask questions like:
Is there informed consent?
Is there coercion?
Does the person have autonomy?
Are there protections in place?
Is harm being minimized?
Is the person being treated with dignity?
Are all parties fully aware of what they are participating in?
These are not the same questions as “Does this align with my religion?” or “Does this sit right with my conscience?” A process can conflict with someone’s religious beliefs or moral convictions and still be ethical. And a process can align perfectly with someone’s beliefs or values while raising serious ethical concerns.
That’s why I think it’s important to keep these categories separate. Religious beliefs matter. Moral convictions matter. But they are different from ethical questions.
Where I’ll Be Spending My Energy
I also want to be honest about something: I’m not going to spend time engaging with religious or moral objections to the decisions my husband and I make about our family. What my personal faith requires of me, what my conscience tells me, and what I believe my Creator thinks about my specific life and circumstances are not things I’m willing to crowdsource from strangers on the internet.
These are deeply personal questions. They’re questions I discuss with people I trust, with family members, with friends, and in prayer.
I’m sharing this journey because it’s a meaningful and exciting season of our lives, not because I’m looking for public commentary on whether my family meets someone else’s moral or religious standards.
What I am willing to engage with—and what I actually care deeply about—are ethical questions. Informed consent. Respecting women. Protecting vulnerable people. Ensuring everyone involved has full information, full autonomy, and full protection.
Those are things we can discuss!
Perhaps a more accurate DM would look something like this:
Admittedly, that’s not the sort of message that tends to go viral…
But one can dream, right?
What’s Ahead
Over the next few posts, I’m going to take you inside this process in a way I haven’t yet.
What we’re actually looking for in an egg donor—and why. What it was like to sit down and start looking through profiles for the first time. What I’ve learned about the ethics of egg donation, and where I’ve found myself wrestling with difficult questions along the way.
Ryan and I are in the middle of a season of life we’ve hoped for and prayed about for a very long time. It’s complicated. It’s emotional. And it’s exciting!!
I’m looking forward to sharing more of it with you.